On the day of one of my "huge" birthdays I had to attend a dinner party for the sake of peace in the home.....one of the most difficult things I've had to endure in my entire birthday life. For some it may seem trivial or selfish, but for me my birthday is sacred, a day to reflect on where I come from, a day on which I get to do whatever I want or see fit to do. I went from extremely upset at being unheard and ignored to forced resolve and showbiz mode, the one being almost impossible to do without implementing the other.
And the result was a void of at least a quarter of my day , my brain telling my birthday "please hold" whilst trying to find a cue......
The most difficult part was to act out enjoyment and happiness in a survival mode, ready to react when poked. Especially when my heart is always displayed on my sleeve, a "what you see is what you get" nonchalantness, ever pursuing the muchness of life.
My brain kept on telling my senses to look for the flowers along the way, and my senses repeatedly coming back, saying "what..?", frantically finding nothing. All the usual coping skills fail and I am left with a shell, a nothinhgness and numb desolate brain wandering in and out of empty converstions, fake courtesy and conforming garble.
So here I am, already in the next day, still trying to recover the call, but my birthday already hung up......
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